Never Say Never
by obsessedwithstabler
Summary: With his left hand, he grabbed his radio out of his pocket and shouted into it the words that no cop ever wanted to say. “Officer down! I repeat, officer down!”
1. And So He Waited

Okay, so I got to thinking: Why am I always torturing Bobby? So the idea for this little angst, guilt ridden fic came to me! And as most of ya'll know by now with me, things are never what they seem...

Disclaimer: Yes, they're mine! All mine! Mwahahaha! (sigh) No, they're not mine. All I've got's the dolls... Dang it...

This little chapter is dedicated to **Runner, Confused, Sweet-4-Stabler, eames47, DeliriousDancer, Blucougar, InfityStar,** and **El Chacal**, for all your wonderful reviews and adding me and my stories to your alerts! Thanks everyone!

He watched her fall, his heart skipping a beat as she hit the ground. The man who had pulled the trigger just smiled as blood seeped out of the hole in her stomach, and Mike turned on him and pulled the trigger. The man collapsed to the ground, and Mike spun around and dropped to one knee beside his injured partner.

_Oh God, this can't be happening,_ he thought as he gently pushed her hands away and applied pressure to the wound with his right hand. With his left, he grabbed his radio out of his pocket and shouted into it the words that no cop ever wanted to say.

"Officer down! I repeat, officer down!"

Then he dropped the radio and placed his other hand over the wound, ignoring the nausea that bubbled up in his stomach as her warm blood gushed through his fingers.

"Hold on," he muttered over and over again as her eyes slid shut and her breathing slowed. "Hold on."

Finally he could hear the wailing of the ambulance, and he was somewhat thankful when the paramedics appeared at his side and took over. Once they finally had her stabilized, they lifted her onto a stretcher, and he quickly followed as they loaded her into the back of the ambulance.

One paramedic opened his mouth to say something, but Mike shot him a death glare, and he quickly shut his mouth and yelled that they were ready. As the ambulance tore out of the parking lot, Mike looked down at his partner's pale face, then hesitantly reached over and carefully grasped her hand.

"You hang in there, sweetheart," he murmured, squeezing her hand gently. She didn't respond, and he buried his face in his hand as the ambulance sped down the road.

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The ambulance jerked to a halt, and Mike leapt out of the ambulance right behind her stretcher, following the paramedics into the emergency bay of the hospital. A doctor met them inside, and they immediately began shouting medical jargon that Mike couldn't understand.

"Is she going to be okay?" he demanded over the organized chaos, and the doctor prevented him from going any further.

"I'm sorry, sir, but you can't go back there!" he shouted. "We'll let you know as soon as we know anything." Then he spun around on his heel and ran after the stretcher, leaving Mike alone in the middle of the crowded, yet empty, room.

He hated feeling helpless, so he walked down and gave blood. When he was finished, he walked back into the waiting room, noticing that the room was nearly empty, with the exception of one or two people.

Not a minute after he sank down into his seat, the door flew open, and Mike found himself face to face with a very dark and furious Bobby Goren. "You son of a bitch!" Bobby roared.

Before he could explain what had happened, Bobby's fist collided with his cheek, and he hit the ground.

"Bobby!" a female voice shouted, and Mike opened his eyes to see his partner shove past the bigger detective to get to his side. He groaned as she helped him sit up, and she sat beside him, allowing him to lean against her.

Bobby still stood there, rubbing his fist and glaring at Mike. Carolyn shot Bobby a glare of her own, and he turned around and stalked away, his footsteps heavy against the carpeted floor.

Once he was gone, Carolyn focused her attention on her partner, who was holding his cheek and muttering to himself. "You okay, Mike?" she asked softly, cupping his chin in her small hand and turning his head so she could assess the damage. She started to reach out to touch it, but he recoiled from her touch, focusing his eyes on the carpet in front of them.

"I didn't see it coming," he said after several moments of silence. "This is all my fault." He bowed his head and hid his eyes in his hand.

"What didn't you see, Mike?" she prodded gently, squeezing his shoulder. "How was any of this your fault?"

"I wasn't watching. He got too close. I let him get too close," he stated simply, and she sighed quietly.

"Mike, this wasn't your fault," Carolyn insisted softly, but he shook his head and inched away from her. With a small growl of frustration, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled his head down into the crook of her neck.

He stiffened, but slowly relaxed in her embrace, and his arms circled her waist, pulling her closer to him. After a few more minutes, she could feel his hot tears against her skin, and she rubbed circles on his back, cooing softly into his ear.

Deakins cleared his throat quietly, and Carolyn looked up at him and shook her head slowly. He understood immediately and disappeared, no doubt to go find and try to console Bobby Goren. But she was just fine where she was, right where she needed to be.

He shivered in her arms, and she managed to pull him into her lap, rocking him back and forth as she desperately attempted to console her wounded partner. She couldn't think of anything that she could say that would convince him that this terrible tragedy wasn't his fault, that he couldn't have foresaw it, but she knew him too well. He wouldn't listen.

So she finally settled for saying, "It'll be okay, Mike. She'll be fine. You know she will. I promise."

Some time later, Deakins and Bobby walked back into the waiting room with Mike and Carolyn, and she watched as Deakins sat close to her and her partner. But she also noticed that Bobby sat in the farthest corner of the room, away from the man he was certain had harmed his partner and best friend.

No words were spoken as they waited into the long hours of the night. Nothing could be said that would calm Bobby's fears, or assuage Mike's guilt. Carolyn remained beside her partner for reassurance and support, and Deakins continued to watch over his remaining detectives in an almost paternal way.

The first rays of the morning sun began to bleed into the waiting room, and Carolyn was still awake, but her partner was dozing as he leaned against her. Bobby was uncomfortably cramped in a stiff chair, dark circles prevalent under his red rimmed eyes, and Deakins was sleeping restlessly with his head against the wall.

The door opened, and everyone sat upright except for Bobby, who rose to his feet and looked at the doctor with a mixture of hope, grief and desperation on his face.

The doctor gave a tired sigh and ran his hand over his face.

"Are you all here for Alex Eames?"

Bobby, Mike, Carolyn and Deakins all held their breath in fearful anticipation as the doctor opened his mouth to speak.

TBC...

A/N: How many of ya'll thought that the woman who was shot was Carolyn? Don't worry, I'm writing a post ep for To The Bone next... (laughs evilly) So review, my bunnies! Thanks for reading!


	2. Where I Want To Be

Okay, despite one jerk's negative comment, here's chapter two of Never Say Never. Enjoy, and please remember to review!

Disclaimer: Okay, Endgame didn't end with Alex going to Bobby, so the show's still not mine...

I'd like to dedicate delirious dancer for her warm and inspiring pm. It really meant a lot to me, and gave me hope to know that there are still people out there who enjoy my stories. Thanks, delirious!

The doctor's eyes were downcast as he took a deep breath and said, "I'm very sorry, but Miss Eames lost a lot of blood. Personally, I don't even know how she made it through the surgery."

Bobby's shoulders slumped, and Mike leaned heavily against Carolyn.

The doctor continued. "I'm sorry to say, but, barring some kind of miracle, we don't think she'll make it through the night."

The room began to tilt, and Bobby's mouth felt like it was filled with cotton as he swallowed and finally whispered, "Are you sure?"

He nodded grimly, and Bobby's heart sank. The doctor could feel the tension, and he finally said with sympathy, "One of you can go in there and be with her, and you won't be forced to leave at the end of visiting hours."

Carolyn felt Mike shudder against her, and her arms wrapped around her waist, holding him to her side.

"Who's going in there?" Deakins asked, though he was simply doing it as a reflex. They all knew exactly who was going.

"I'm going," Bobby said softly, but they could all hear the underlying fury and defiance in his voice.

The doctor nodded and motioned for Bobby to follow him. Once they were gone, Deakins turned to Mike and Carolyn and said, "You two should go home and get some sleep. I'll hang out here a little while longer."

Mike opened his mouth to object, but Carolyn surprised him by grabbing his arm and guiding him towards the door. "You're in no shape to be alone tonight," she stated, staring up at him. "You're coming home with me. No arguments."

So he meekly followed her into the chilly early morning air.

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Bobby Goren could not believe what he was seeing as the doctor led him into Alex's I.C.U. room. That was his Alex, but she was too pale, too still for him to really believe that it was her. He eased his way through the machinery to her side, choking back tears as he looked at her closer.

"Sir, there's also something else that you should be aware of," the doctor stated quietly, and Bobby groaned a little. "In the O.R., we lost her for almost five minutes. If by some miracle she does wake up, she will most likely be permanently brain damaged."

He reached one trembling hand out and carefully laid it on her forehead, swallowing thickly as he whispered, "It's okay, Alex. I'm here. I'm here." The doctor suddenly felt a sense of intrusion on the two, and he edged out of the room.

Bobby heard him go, and without moving his hand from Alex's forehead, he sat in the chair beside her bed. He looked around at all of the equipment that surrounded her bed, and he sighed and rubbed his thumb tenderly over her skin. He hated seeing her this: so weak and vulnerable. He had only ever seen her like this once before, and it was something he had hoped he would never see again. But here they were, and a gripping sense of déjà vu overcame him.

The sun was bleeding in through the window, and Bobby reached over and took her right hand in his, kissing it softly. He didn't want to let her go. Not now, not ever. He couldn't. Her hand was cold and limp in his, and he gently rubbed it, attempting to transfer his own body heat into her, hoping that it would somehow help her to hold on.

He couldn't find his voice, so he simply sat back in the chair, his hands still encasing hers.

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Carolyn led Mike into her apartment, draping her coat over a chair as she slid off her shoes and said, "You know where everything is. Make yourself at home."

Mike nodded and pulled his jacket off, then watched as she disappeared into her bathroom. When she reappeared, dressed in an NYPD t-shirt and sweatpants, Mike felt an overwhelming mixture of love and guilt, one like he had never felt before. Before he could stop himself, he flew across the floor and gathered Carolyn into his arms, raining kisses over her jaw as he held her tightly against his chest.

When his lips finally reached hers, he was enthralled when she eagerly returned the kiss, her lips parting slightly to allow him passage into her mouth. Her hands grasped his shoulders, then went up to his neck, pulling him closer against her flushed body. "Mike," she whispered between kisses. "Are you sure… this is what you want?"

He pulled away and looked at her with molten eyes that said everything. With trembling hands, he found the hem of her shirt and looked at her imploringly, waiting for her permission. She nodded, and he slowly lifted it over her head, discarding it onto the carpeted floor.

He brushed his lips over her soft and silky skin, and she reached over and removed his tie with expert hands, then quickly unbuttoned his shirt with nimble fingers. His shirt fell alongside hers on the floor, and she tangled her hands in his hair, arching against him with a soft moan. He relished the sound and was overcome with an almost animalistic feeling. His hands roughly shoved her sweatpants down, and they puddled on the floor at their feet.

She responded in likewise, shoving the suspenders of his trousers over his shoulder, then pushing his undershirt over his head none too gently. She paused just briefly once she pushed his boxers down his hips, drinking in his sculpted body greedily. Her arms went around his waist, and she took a step to close the distance between them. Her lips found his chest, and she tenderly kissed her way up from his chest to the hollow of his neck. She felt when he shivered, and she paused and looked up at him with dark, nearly black eyes. "Mike, what is it?" she asked, kissing away the tear that had escaped his eye.

He just shook his head and took her hand, leading her into the bedroom. In the dark room, she took the lead and pushed him down onto the bed and onto his back. Then she straddled his waist and rocked her hips against his as he moaned and grabbed her hips with his rough, calloused hands.

She planted her hands on his shoulders and leaned forward, placing kisses along his chest, her nose tickled slightly by the light dusting of hair across his muscular chest. When her lips found his again, he rocked his hips upwards, and they both gasped at the strange and wondrous feeling.

"Mike… oh, God, please!" she pleaded hoarsely against his neck, and he suddenly flipped her over onto her back and began to pound into her. Her legs wrapped around his waist, and her arms went around his neck in a desperate attempt to pull him closer. She had never felt so deeply connected to anyone in her life, and all she wanted to do was crawl into his skin and remain with him forever, no matter what anyone else thought.

His sudden growl brought her back to reality, and she felt him gently bite down on her lower lip. She parted her lips, and his tongue thrust into her mouth. Once the kiss ended, he began assaulting the rest of her body with his experienced mouth, nipping here, licking there. She moaned and tossed her head on the pillow, running her hands through his thick hair as he softly kissed the valley between her breasts.

They spiraled over the edge into delirium together, with him groaning and her calling his name over and over again. Exhausted and weak, he collapsed on top of her.

When he was aware of his surroundings again, he realized that one hand was buried in his hair, and the other was rubbing patterns on his back. Realizing that he might be crushing her, he pushed himself up with his hands and attempted to move away from her. But she grabbed him and pulled him back into his former position, murmuring, "No, Mike. Don't go. Please."

He relaxed on top of her and rested his head on her breast, and she resumed stroking his hair and whispering nonsense into his ear. He didn't realize that he had begun to cry until he felt her tender thumb brush across his cheek and wipe the tears away.

"It's okay, Mike," she whispered, kissing his forehead. "I'm here for you." She wasn't aware of all of the circumstances, but she did know that he had abandonment issues, and she had to find a way to reach out to him and prove that she wasn't going to leave him. So she reached under the blanket and ran her hands slowly over his back, pausing now and then to rub circles into his skin with her thumb. "Mike?"

"Hmm?"

"You know that I'd never do anything to hurt you, right, baby?" she asked, and he shut his eyes and rested his cheek against her chest. "I wouldn't, Mike. This isn't just about… sex. I care about you. I care about you so much that it terrifies me. But I'm here, and I'm not letting go."

He tensed a little, and she moved her arms to wrap them around his back and hug him to her. "And this… thing with Alex? Mike, you know that's not your fault. It was the bastard's fault who shot her. Not you. And you know it." He shivered in her arms, then rolled away from her, and she let out a soft sigh. Determined not to let him push her away, she rolled over and wrapped her arms snugly around his waist, hooking her chin over his shoulder.

He shuddered, and she softly kissed his neck, whispering, "You can push all you want, Mike, but I'm not going anywhere. This is where I want to be. Here, with you." And that's where she stayed.

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Deakins watched Alex's prone form with a heavy heart, his gaze occasionally drifting to Bobby Goren, who was sleeping restlessly in a chair that was dragged up as closely to Alex's bed as possible. The big detective's head was resting on Alex's arm, and his hand was wrapped carefully around hers.

His watch declared that it was one thirty in the afternoon, but it felt like a lifetime ago that he had heard that two of his former detectives had been involved in a shoot out. He was disheartened and angry to discover that, instead of using common sense, the new captain, his replacement, had deemed Bobby "too unstable" and "not able" to handle the undercover operation. So he had decided to use Mike Logan instead. And while Deakins had complete faith in the occasionally overzealous detective, he believed that splitting Alex and Bobby up had been a major mistake. Now, because of that mistake, one of the best detectives and friends he had ever known was lying close to death, while her partner, albeit not in the physical sense, was in the same situation. He was dying emotionally.

Deakins slowly rose to his feet and raised his arms over his head, groaning as he stretched his tired and aching muscles.

Bobby stirred a little at the sound and buried his face further into Alex's arm, and Deakins leaned over and gently patted Bobby's head, causing the detective to bolt upright. Instantly feeling guilty at the look of dread and despair on the younger man's face, Deakins murmured, "It's okay, Bobby. She's fine. I just thought you might want to go take a break for a few minutes. Get some coffee and something decent to eat."

Bobby yawned and shook his head, then began rubbing Alex's arm with his big hand, as if that act alone would bring her back to them. Deakins sighed sadly and said, "Bobby, at least go take a bathroom break. I'll be right here, and I'll shout if anything happens. I promise."

Bobby knew exactly what Deakins meant by, "if anything happens," and the words burnt him to his very core. He had been there when Dr. Nick Andrews had described several tell tale signs that she was ready to "let go" as he put it, but Bobby wasn't about to accept it. She was still fighting, and as long as she was, he would be there for her.

With a reluctant sigh, Bobby stood up and unfolded his body to expose his true stature. But before he walked away, he bent down and kissed Alex's forehead, then murmured into her ear words that Deakins couldn't understand.

"I'll be right back," he said as his eyes met Deakin's, and the older man nodded and sat down in the chair that he had occupied for the better part of the morning.

Bobby looked at Alex one more time before disappearing through the door. Once he was gone, Deakins leaned forward and gently took Alex's hand. "Alex, that boy needs you," he said, surprised by his own choice of diction to describe Bobby. "I can see it by the way he looks at you. He loves you. I'm just mad at him that it took all of this for him to realize it."

His fingers were against her pulse, and when it began to flutter and fade, he panicked. "Damn it, Alex! Hold on!" he pleaded, and a moment later, the room flooded with nurses and doctors, one of whom pushed Deakins out of the way.

"Hold on. Please," he muttered over and over as his back hit the wall. "Hold on."

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Where am I? _she thought as the fog began to fade. She could feel the strange, yet comforting feeling of someone's head on her arm and their hand wrapped around hers. She began to relax again, but then the hand disappeared, and panic choked her._

Please, don't go, _she wanted to plead, but her mouth wouldn't cooperate. Instead, she suddenly felt the strange sensation of being lifted into the air, and it was like a veil had been lifted, enabling her to see._

_She saw Mike standing on the ground, and she saw Kelvin waving his gun around. Her heart jumped and her stomach sank when she saw herself beside Mike, and she knew exactly what was going to happen next. The bullet flew out of the gun, and she saw her on body jerk as the metal pierced her stomach. She saw the look of panic on Mike's face as he turned around and shot Kelvin, then sank to his knees beside her._

_The scene faded, and she found herself in a waiting room. She watched as Bobby's fist collided with Mike's cheek, and she watched as Carolyn held and attempted to comfort Mike. She heard the doctor inform all of them that she wouldn't survive the day, and her brow creased._

_The fog swirled again, and this time she looked on as Bobby sat beside her hospital bed, his head on her arm and his hand wrapped around hers. Deakins gently shook him, and Bobby stood up and walked out of the room reluctantly. She saw Deakin's lips move, and she strained to hear his words. But everything was harder and harder to hear as she felt herself falling away. She tried to fight it, but it felt so good to just relax and let the feeling overcome and encompass her._

_Just as she felt ready to give in, her partner's voice cut through her thoughts, and she felt herself being tugged back towards the hospital bed. _I can't give up, _she thought_. Not yet. He needs me. Can't let him down.

_The pain returned with a vengeance, and she opened her mouth to scream as the darkness swallowed her whole._

TBC...

A/N: This story has basically taken on a mind of it's own, so I have no clue where it's going. But I hope ya'll are up for the ride!


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